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Starts With A Bang

Weekend Diversion: The Last Detox Diet You’ll Ever Try!

Cleansing your body never tasted so good… or felt so bad!

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.” –Orson Welles

I’m now closer to 40 than I am to 30, and it’s been a great journey so far! But, the passage of time has got me thinking: has my time in this world resulted in a build-up of toxic substances in my body? Is there any way to get rid of them? Is there anything that can get me, as perhaps Olenka & the Autumn Lovers sing, Clean?

Well, maybe there is, if you look in the right place!

Image credit: http://www.cleansevsdiet.com/. *NOT* an endorsement (and not how any aspect of health actually works), by any means!

Think your kidneys and liver aren’t doing a good enough job of removing harmful toxins from your body? Tired of fads that don’t work? Worried that changing your lifestyle and food habits is just too hard and expensive?

Image credit: AisleTracker blog, via http://www.aisletracker.com/.

Then you need these sugar-free gummi bears!

Image credit: Haribo candies, via http://www.amazon.com/.

Made with five real fruit flavors and coming in crystalline, jewel-like, sparkling clear colors, you’ll delight at the taste of these delicious candies, all without any sugar at all.

Instead, of sugar, these are sweetened with Lycasin, a hydrogenated glucose syrup. And what a deal: this five-pound bag of deliciousness contains over 1,000 individual gummi bears!

And unlike other detox diets that only cleanse one organ in your body and require you to starve yourself, the Haribo sugar-free gummi bears will clear out your entire digestive tract, and do so in a splendidly violent manner!

Image credit: Screenshot from Amazon. Blue arrows added by me for emphasis.

But don’t take my word for it; let’s hear some real customer testimonies from Amazon:

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.
Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.
Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.
Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.
Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

With sixteen pages of customer testimony, you know you can’t go wrong with the Gummi Bear Detox Cleanse!

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.
Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

And if you’re ever in in Phoenixville, PA, make sure you stop by Andrew Schaefer’s office for a rollicking good time.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

It’s even a selling point on the product itself!!!

Image credit: Haribo candies, via http://www.amazon.com/.

Warnings are features, too! Remember, folks, intestinal distress isn’t a bad thing, it’s just your body’s way of undergoing purification. Not since the Onion have I seen such a spectacular promise of weight loss and detoxification. So what are you waiting for? Order yours today!!

Travel the Universe with astrophysicist Ethan Siegel. Subscribers will get the newsletter every Saturday. All aboard!

(Warning, the above post contains satire. Also, toxins don’t actually work the way the “cleanse” image indicates; the wikipedia page on detoxification is fascinating. If you actually have serious problems with sugar and are looking for a tasty, sugar-free snack, these are apparently delicious. Just know what you’re getting yourself into, which could be a long-term relationship with your bathroom.)


An earlier version of this post originally appeared on the old Starts With A Bang blog at Scienceblogs.


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